The Pleasure of Paranoia

What a wonderful thing paranoia is. Yes, we claim that it is unpleasant, but really it is stimulating. The panic and excitement is riveting, and then, when things get close to no return, one is suddenly saved by a reassurance. Paranoia means living on the edge. Even if others see your life as very normal or uneventful, you know that you are stepping close to a boundary line on a regular basis.

There is also the pressing question of truth that is a fundamental part of being paranoid. The argument with the accuser of “paranoia”, where they think you are without reason. Yet, you know that there is a strong possibility that you are right, and not paranoid, yet feel a certain hopefulness at actually being proved wrong, making what you thought to be true, in fact, untrue. The demand for proof from the non-paranoiac is met with the same demand, the latter always making a stronger challenge.

You see, the paranoiac is in a win-win situation. If they are paranoid, the problems they thought they had are not actually true. Also, with the acceptance of this status, they can relax and not feel guilty about it. “I am paranoid, therefore I am right to have these suspicions.” If the feelings and suspicions they have turn out to be true, then they have the satisfaction of knowing that they were not paranoid all along – the others were all fooled, but not this one.

Fragility

With a stretch I pull a muscle, with a gentle tap I bruise, with a sneeze my back tightens, with sex my legs ache, to be in close contact with strangers I catch their cold. To have a weak body can leave one with feelings of constant regret. ‘Why did I move in that position?’ ‘Why did I not protect myself more adequately?’ Not just regret, but fear of the future too. ‘What will life be like in 30 years with such a body?’

If one has a weak body, but is a genius, that is ok. “Well, his physical weakness added to his greatness.” “His suffering made him what he is, giving him the perspective that no-one else can have.” I am no genius though.

The problem with such physical weakness is that one accepts it as one’s essence, and thus nothing is done to combat it. Is the acceptance as this weakness as one’s essence not a sign of yet another, non-physical weakness? Weakness of the mind – what a combination to have. I do not want to delve into that. (Certainly showing the very weakness of her mind).