People From The Past

I have to question whether people from the past are worth the effort. I have a feeling that often they are simply nosey and curious to know what you are up to now. Are you more successful than me? Are you happier than me? Are you more interesting than me? The answer to all these must be 'no', of course. Not only must you not exceed their amount of happiness and success, but you must have less. Otherwise this is intolerable.

It's a good job my personality is such that I have no care for those in my past (and that my success and happiness are limited).

Shameful Behaviour

Someone recently told me that they feel ashamed of their past, even though they didn't do anything that they should feel particularly ashamed about.

I, too, feel this way. The result of this is that the thought of a by-chance meeting with someone from my past, or even seeing photographs of them, or hearing about them through others, makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure what this is - perhaps it is a worry that they know something about me that is hidden but has always been with me. They probably don't, but the fear of it is enough.

My apologies if anyone out there reading this is from my past (though I would still prefer it if you stayed away from me).

A Portrait

A recent discovery that I am afraid of photographs has brought home that perhaps I need therapy of some sort.

Let me be clear, this is not a fear of the photograph itself, but, rather, photographs relating to my life. I have many camera films that I have never printed, and, quite frankly, I do not want to see them. And I do not like to look at the photographs I have. The thought of looking at photographs of my past makes me feel nauseous and anxious – as if I have failed to complete something very important. Something has been left undone. What is worse is that I suspect that what I am now is the very thing I failed to complete.

The good news is that I have decided to continue to suppress these feelings, so things are looking up for me.