8.1.09
Amor Fati
It really is true that when presented with the opportunity to actually change something about oneself, in particular, one's appearance, that very thing that one always wished one could change or 'correct'', there is the sudden realisation that to accept such an opportunity would be to alter something that is so inherently oneself, that this no longer becomes a dream but a nightmare. Well, that's how I feel about changing my teeth, anyway.
11.9.08
The Pleasure of Paranoia
What a wonderful thing paranoia is. Yes, we claim that it is unpleasant, but really it is stimulating. The panic and excitement is riveting, and then, when things get close to no return, one is suddenly saved by a reassurance. Paranoia means living on the edge. Even if others see your life as very normal or uneventful, you know that you are stepping close to a boundary line on a regular basis.
There is also the pressing question of truth that is a fundamental part of being paranoid. The argument with the accuser of “paranoia”, where they think you are without reason. Yet, you know that there is a strong possibility that you are right, and not paranoid, yet feel a certain hopefulness at actually being proved wrong, making what you thought to be true, in fact, untrue. The demand for proof from the non-paranoiac is met with the same demand, the latter always making a stronger challenge.
You see, the paranoiac is in a win-win situation. If they are paranoid, the problems they thought they had are not actually true. Also, with the acceptance of this status, they can relax and not feel guilty about it. “I am paranoid, therefore I am right to have these suspicions.” If the feelings and suspicions they have turn out to be true, then they have the satisfaction of knowing that they were not paranoid all along – the others were all fooled, but not this one.
There is also the pressing question of truth that is a fundamental part of being paranoid. The argument with the accuser of “paranoia”, where they think you are without reason. Yet, you know that there is a strong possibility that you are right, and not paranoid, yet feel a certain hopefulness at actually being proved wrong, making what you thought to be true, in fact, untrue. The demand for proof from the non-paranoiac is met with the same demand, the latter always making a stronger challenge.
You see, the paranoiac is in a win-win situation. If they are paranoid, the problems they thought they had are not actually true. Also, with the acceptance of this status, they can relax and not feel guilty about it. “I am paranoid, therefore I am right to have these suspicions.” If the feelings and suspicions they have turn out to be true, then they have the satisfaction of knowing that they were not paranoid all along – the others were all fooled, but not this one.
Fragility
With a stretch I pull a muscle, with a gentle tap I bruise, with a sneeze my back tightens, with sex my legs ache, to be in close contact with strangers I catch their cold. To have a weak body can leave one with feelings of constant regret. ‘Why did I move in that position?’ ‘Why did I not protect myself more adequately?’ Not just regret, but fear of the future too. ‘What will life be like in 30 years with such a body?’
If one has a weak body, but is a genius, that is ok. “Well, his physical weakness added to his greatness.” “His suffering made him what he is, giving him the perspective that no-one else can have.” I am no genius though.
The problem with such physical weakness is that one accepts it as one’s essence, and thus nothing is done to combat it. Is the acceptance as this weakness as one’s essence not a sign of yet another, non-physical weakness? Weakness of the mind – what a combination to have. I do not want to delve into that. (Certainly showing the very weakness of her mind).
If one has a weak body, but is a genius, that is ok. “Well, his physical weakness added to his greatness.” “His suffering made him what he is, giving him the perspective that no-one else can have.” I am no genius though.
The problem with such physical weakness is that one accepts it as one’s essence, and thus nothing is done to combat it. Is the acceptance as this weakness as one’s essence not a sign of yet another, non-physical weakness? Weakness of the mind – what a combination to have. I do not want to delve into that. (Certainly showing the very weakness of her mind).
17.8.08
The Destruction of Humanity
Nihilist; Pessimist; Miserablist; Complainer; Destroyer of Humanity. These are accusations expected to be thrown my way due to my tendency to complain at times.
What a mistake this is. Often the complaints of daily life, as tiresome as they may sound to those listening, are not ones that want to simply destroy. In fact, these complaints and hatred of the world are often those that want to rebuild (and if it involves any destruction, it is to enable something else).
Of course, it cannot be denied that anyone who really is a nihilist, moaner, or destroyer of humanity would refute these accusations. Therefore my testimony cannot be trusted. Besides, even if I were trusted, unless the destroying and rebuilding is actually taking place, what use is this? In fact, without the latter taking place, one could rightly accuse me of being a pessimistic nihilist, with a tendency to complain alot. It just goes to show that often in life we do not see the forest for the trees.
What a mistake this is. Often the complaints of daily life, as tiresome as they may sound to those listening, are not ones that want to simply destroy. In fact, these complaints and hatred of the world are often those that want to rebuild (and if it involves any destruction, it is to enable something else).
Of course, it cannot be denied that anyone who really is a nihilist, moaner, or destroyer of humanity would refute these accusations. Therefore my testimony cannot be trusted. Besides, even if I were trusted, unless the destroying and rebuilding is actually taking place, what use is this? In fact, without the latter taking place, one could rightly accuse me of being a pessimistic nihilist, with a tendency to complain alot. It just goes to show that often in life we do not see the forest for the trees.
21.6.08
Notes on Domination: The Mediation of Colour
When something, anything, this or that, is put to use, it signals the impending destruction of mankind. This is especially so when something so natural and so beautiful, that which we often take for granted, is seized upon and thrust upon us with force, trying to maintain the feeling of naturalness, hiding the manipulation (or even not hiding it).
Colours are a fine example of this: that which is to be looked at with pleasure and admiration, beyond our grasp, yet not out of reach. We have the gift of seeing colours, the relationship between the human eyes and the colour should be direct between those two only – no third party should be involved.
Colour is suddenly put to use. Red signals danger! Black signals death! White signals purity! Yellow signals happiness! Blue signals a boy! Pink signals a girl! Grey signals unsure territory that one should stay away from! Cultural lying has ensured that colour comes with the mediation of a third authoritative party, who seeks to control your minds. Even the shades of colour are put to use. The prison or the asylum use this colour to impose a feeling onto the deranged or criminal – a crackdown on crime with pastels (though this is once captured, before then only the strongest, most dominating colours are used).
People in homes in pursuit of the mood they long for, take heed.
Colours are a fine example of this: that which is to be looked at with pleasure and admiration, beyond our grasp, yet not out of reach. We have the gift of seeing colours, the relationship between the human eyes and the colour should be direct between those two only – no third party should be involved.
Colour is suddenly put to use. Red signals danger! Black signals death! White signals purity! Yellow signals happiness! Blue signals a boy! Pink signals a girl! Grey signals unsure territory that one should stay away from! Cultural lying has ensured that colour comes with the mediation of a third authoritative party, who seeks to control your minds. Even the shades of colour are put to use. The prison or the asylum use this colour to impose a feeling onto the deranged or criminal – a crackdown on crime with pastels (though this is once captured, before then only the strongest, most dominating colours are used).
People in homes in pursuit of the mood they long for, take heed.
8.6.08
Bees
Bees are wonderful little (but by no means inferior) creatures. Intelligent, graceful, caring and always busy; the bee knows how to use it's time well. How can one not hold in high esteem a creature that likes to spend its days making honey, buzzing around colourful flowers and hunting sticky sweets? All this, and the perpetuation of mankind!
7.6.08
The Pleasure of a Tickle
One of the most pleasurable things in the world is to experience a gentle tickle, a tickle that is like a gentle stroke. This is not just for the back, it can be on the arms, legs, even chin, and feels wonderful. Tickles on the side of the body can be nice, but often it tickles a little too much, thus interrupting the pleasure.
Getting hold of these tickles can be a problem. One cannot ask a friend, even family (unless you are a child) to give such pleasure. A spouse may give tickles, but not for long (at the beginning of the relationship they are always willing to give them for 30 minutes, sometimes more. Later in the relationship you have to beg for 2 minute's worth). You can only get so far tickling yourself – not only is the pleasure taken away from having to actually undertake the tickling, but as tickler, you know exactly where the tickle is about to happen – no sweet surprises there. Plus you cannot comfortably reach your own back.
A tickle machine is out of the question – it must be a human touch, otherwise one feels sick to the stomach, and guilty of such an obscenity. Pets cannot do it either. Though they sure as hell have no problems accepting them, even from strangers in the street.
I suppose the biggest problem is that the tickler finds it boring and gets a sore arm after a while (or worse still, wants the tickled to reciprocate). Until this state of affairs can be changed it will remain difficult to obtain these gentle touches.
NB This tickle is NOT of a sexual nature. If that is what you are looking for, you are in the wrong place.
Getting hold of these tickles can be a problem. One cannot ask a friend, even family (unless you are a child) to give such pleasure. A spouse may give tickles, but not for long (at the beginning of the relationship they are always willing to give them for 30 minutes, sometimes more. Later in the relationship you have to beg for 2 minute's worth). You can only get so far tickling yourself – not only is the pleasure taken away from having to actually undertake the tickling, but as tickler, you know exactly where the tickle is about to happen – no sweet surprises there. Plus you cannot comfortably reach your own back.
A tickle machine is out of the question – it must be a human touch, otherwise one feels sick to the stomach, and guilty of such an obscenity. Pets cannot do it either. Though they sure as hell have no problems accepting them, even from strangers in the street.
I suppose the biggest problem is that the tickler finds it boring and gets a sore arm after a while (or worse still, wants the tickled to reciprocate). Until this state of affairs can be changed it will remain difficult to obtain these gentle touches.
NB This tickle is NOT of a sexual nature. If that is what you are looking for, you are in the wrong place.
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