My Will

In the event of my death I would like people to pay attention to my abhorrence towards my body being placed in an expensive coffin. I would like whoever deals with this to place me in cardboard, or something similar – something with the least wastage and least expense. Do not put any of my clothes on my dead body.

In the event of my death I would like it to be acknowledged that any ‘in memorandum’ written for me is something I would not approve of. If one wishes to remember me, please do so, but do this using your own memories and thoughts of me, rather than gaining recognition from others for doing so.

In the event of my death I would like all of my possessions to be sold or go to charity, except any items family or friends wish to keep (without sentiment). Unwanted books are to be donated to libraries.

In the event of my death I would like all to know that any false ceremony (which is all ceremony) is not a response I would welcome.

In the event of my death I would like any useful body parts to be taken. My hair can be sold.

In the event of my death I would like any work I have done to be destroyed. This is not an self-congratulatory act that compares me to, say, Kafka. Rather, the destruction of any work is because of the mediocre quality. The exception to this rule would be any emails that people want to keep (as I am often told they are quite good).

In the event of my death I would like the person that killed me (if I was killed by someone) to not be blamed or punished (this has got nothing to do with Christianity).

In the event of my death I would like the person/s that killed me (if I was killed by a company or by the government) to be blamed and punished, without reserve.